Our Script!


A project by the DitchWitch Brigade

Created, found, written and re-written by its members

Final version June 27, 2010, Toronto



Today_The Diva’s dressing room_live video stalking

Yesterday_Miracle in the sewer/ Life in the undergrowth_mockumentary

1920s_A girl dreams of Sunnyside_silent film

3.a. Intro

3.b. Songs

1930s_Women are people II_radio show and depression puppetry

1940s_Ammunition factory_worker’s poetry and war propaganda film

1950s_Sandwich surprise_television cooking show

6.a cooking show

6.b career girl

1960s_Feminist revolution:  Burn it! Drown it! Feed it!_slide show and manifesto

1970s_The revolution is over (we won)_infomercial and happening

1980s_Queer, Queer, Queer, High school sex ed_vogueing music video

1991_Announcement of the Toronto police_eulogy for the living

2010_Street-naming project “Miss Toronto Promenade”_civil disobedience

11.a Ghost Speech

11.b Miss Toronto Promenade presentation

1. Today_The Diva’s dressing room_live video stalking

– no text

– Eve transforming into Diva character in dressing room on stage, Art harassing the audience and then her with a live feed camera

2. Yesterday_Miracle in the sewer/ Life in the undergrowth_mockumentary

This is an Eve.  She is part of an interesting species of Parkdalians known as “actors”. Let’s follow her.

Here is this Eve’s favourite local watering hole, The Rhino. But there’s no time for a pint today!

Ah!  And here is a fine example of a male “hipster”.  Note the skinny jeans, long black coat, mod hair cut and… Oh, ahem… It appears Eve has noticed too!  We are now in the midst of a hipster courtship…It’s just as I imagined… Aha!  And there we have the trademark sharing of the cigarette…

Dear Lord!  Ladies and Gentlemen!  We have just witnessed something extraordinary!  Eve has transformed into an underground artist! She is now discovering the real life in the undergrowth.  Yes, yes, she has found something truly amazing.  Absolutely mind-blowing.  Indubitably astounding.  But the question is, what is it?

Ha!  Smart move!  There’s better light here to examine these new treasures from the underground.  A photograph, hmm… She’s saving that for later.  What else?  A miniature bike, very cute.  Magic!!  What to do now?  Good idea!

And she’s off on her new bike! Oh! Perhaps this fellow will induce her to have a pint now!  Yes, she’s taking out the photograph… I’m guessing she’s going to give it to him, as another mating ritual… Here she goes!  No, she’s going past the hipster and is looking at the mural.  Oh—burn.  What is she pondering now?  Yes, I see.  The photo!  The mural!  The girl is—Miss Toronto!

3. 1920s_A girl dreams of Sunnyside_silent film

3.a. Intro

dramatic entrance music

Miss Toronto:

Sewers contain many impressive things:  toxic waste, alligators, corpses, and even C.H.U.D.s.  But sewers are also sites of archaeological interest. As you just witnessed, I made a discovery in Toronto’s own urban archive. I will now present to you what I found underground so that you may join me in this historic, once-in-a-lifetime unveiling! (Rummages around in toolbox and presents film)

Here it is! (Looks around, notices nobody is very impressed)

Quotational music

It is a mostly intact, but somewhat destroyed film clip from 1926, in which a very pretty, although slightly crazy woman prepares to become one of the first Miss Toronto contestants. I embarked on a fact-finding mission through the annals of time (and the micro-fiche at the Reference Library) and here is what I found out.

Music change (1920s)

Fact: There is no extant film of Miss Toronto or Parkdale prior to the 1940s until my recent find in the sewer.

Fact: The first Miss Toronto Beauty Pageant was in July 1926. The Toronto Star published the full names and addresses of the contestants so that male suitors could stalk and propose to their preferred beauties.

Fact: There are more pretty girls and prettier girls in Toronto than in most American cities.  Beauty it seems is one of our great unexplored natural resources.

Fact: The mural on the side of the Rhino is a reproduction of a photo taken from that first Miss Toronto beauty pageant.

Music change

Miss Toronto: So here we are close to Parkdale, and it is here that I have chosen to have the first screening of this historic footage. I will keep you in suspense no longer.  Here it is!

(puts on feather boa)

Music change

3.b. Songs

TECH AV projection of our silent film

1920s Film Clip 1

It was the age of

The roaring twenties

Prosperous and

Gay and fun

Riding the streetcar

To Parkdale

To sit at Sunnyside


An ordinary girl

Hair in a bob

Wants to be worshipped

By a hungry mob.

Then one day

There was a sign

To see which girl

Was the most fine.

She knows now

Based on this news

She needs to find the

Perfect pair of shoes!

1920s Film Clip 2 – Puttin on the Ritz

Now we see the young girl

Prepare to dance

She doesn’t know yet

She hasn’t a chance

In the 1-9-2-0-s

There was no talent show!

She thinks that people care

That women can do stuff

But she’s totally wrong

‘Cause they think we’re fluff

In the 1-9-2-0-s

There was no talent show!

The Miss Toronto pageant

Was all about looks

It didn’t matter

If you couldn’t read books

In the 1-9-2-0-s

There was no talent show!

(Musical interlude)

Here’s a good example

Of the typical view

That men had of women

I quote and it’s true:

“We need to educate our boys to know real beauty, to look at the features, the shape of the face, the poise of the head. We ought to teach them to know real beauty like a horse man knows a thoroughbred. There is only one truly beautiful girl in every four thousand.”

That’s why in the 1-9-2-0-s

There was no talent show!

1920s Film Clip 3 – Singin’ in the Rain

The girl decides to get in shape

So the men she knows will gape.

And goes swimming at Sunnyside

‘Cause it’s cleaner than the lake.

(Musical interlude)

Her bathing suit is rather odd

But, then again, so is this broad

Maybe ‘cause the suit was knit with wool

And it was prickly for her bod.

As she does her exercise

She has visions of reduced size

It was in the 1920s

That skinniness was prized.

Now the bathing suit parade

Caused earthquakes, said those who prayed

But they were just religious wingnuts

Who needed to get laid.

1920s Film Clip – I Want to be Loved by You

She wants to be Miss TO

Just her

The star of the fashion show.

She wants to wear the crown and gown

And never come down.

She wants to be reigning queen

Just her

The starlet of every scene.

She wants to have men who cheer and leer

While drinking their beer.

She couldn’t aspire

To anything higher.

Than to fill the desire

To be Miss TO.

She wants to be loved by you

Yes you

And everyone else please too.

She wants to be loved by you

And you.

Boo boo be doo.

PROP Money box

Miss Toronto starts to cheerfully collect money, then begging for it. Times have changed. Audience interaction.

LETTERs to the Prime Minister

Miss Toronto (to the audience):

Dear Prime Minister Bennet,

I suppose you think I am maybe making things out worse than they are but I am not. Please help me by lending me some money and I will send you my engagement ring & wedding ring as security.  Will expect to hear from you hope to anyway I am sure you will never be sorry any way if you do help us.

(up to the booth)

Dear Prime Minister Bennet,

I suppose I am silly to write this letter but I haven’t anyone else to write to…we are just one of many on relief and trying to keep our place without being starved out…trying to get a start without any money and 5 children, all small.  Just had 70 Acres in last year and the dry spell just caught it right along with the grasshoppers.


(to the audience)

Dear Prime Minister Bennet,

Day after day I pass a delicatessen and the food in the window look oh, so good! So tempting and I’m so hungry!…The stamp which carries this letter to you will represent the last three cents I have in the world, yet before I will stoop to dishonor my family, my character or my God, I will drown myself.

Dear Prime Minister Bennet,

I wish to give my opinion of relief. First it is a shame for a strong man to ask for relief in this country… The best thing that can happen to a young man is to toss him overboard and compel him to sink or swim

beheading of the doll while Musician reads the letters, then tears letters apart

4. 1940s_Women are people II_radio show and puppetry

Intro music

Musician: We now bring you a special newscast of women’s interest stories with the newly crowned Miss Toronto on the Women are People II radio show.

Image projection (Radio Canada, Women are people II)

radio host Miss Maplethorpe: I’m Margarie Maplethorpe and you are listening to Women are People II.  Today we are broadcasting live from the Elgin Radio Theatre.  Hello to our studio audience and our lovely listeners at home. We all know that we are in a very troubled time – stocks are at an all time low, banks are closing their doors, and regular folks are facing dire straights.  On the horizon though, I see a new hope in the form of Miss Toronto.  Here, today, we have Miss Toronto with us to tell us about her thoughts on the situation.

Miss Toronto (animated doll head): Thank you for inviting me to be here Miss Maplethorpe.

Miss Maplethorpe: It’s our pleasure and honour to have you on the Women are People II radio show.  Do you have any words of advice during this tough time?

Miss Toronto: My fellow Toronto women, I know that many of you are worrying about banks.  First of all, let me state the simple fact that when you deposit money in a bank the bank does not put the money into a vault. It invests your money. In other words, the bank puts your money to work to keep the wheels of industry turning around and around and around. What, then, happened during the last few months? Because of undermined confidence on the part of the public, there was a general rush by a large portion of our population to turn bank deposits into currency. — A rush so great that the soundest banks could not get enough currency to meet the demand.

Yet during this time all the Misses across Toronto need to remember that there is an element in the readjustment of our financial system more important than currency, more important than gold and that is the confidence and courage of the people.

radio host Miss Maplethorpe: Confidence and courage?  How do you find confidence and courage?

Miss Toronto: I find that courage best comes from obtaining a good night’s sleep.  A Miss Toronto tip for a good night sleep on an uneven mattress, use the money that you have withdrawn from your bank – causing its demise – and stuff the depressions in your mattress to even them out.

radio host Miss Maplethorpe: And what of confidence?

Miss Toronto: As Miss Toronto, my confidence has always resided in knowing that I have everything I need to compete and win.  Thus I advocate the very fashionable pastime of hoarding.

Miss Maplethorpe: Hoarding?

Miss Toronto: Yes, hoarding is the stockpiling all necessities for oneself.  Confidence means not giving the other gals the upper-hand!

Miss Maplethorpe: But what about ladies who don’t have the means to hoard goods?

Miss Toronto: Toronto ladies who have nothing have everything to lose – weight wise that is.  Just think what a great diet this can be – nothing on the lips means the rolls stay off the hips!

Miss Maplethorpe: Thank you Miss Toronto for your insightful recommendations about what women in Toronto can do during these hard economic times.

Miss Toronto will you be so kind as to regale our live studio audience with your wonderful talent?

Miss Toronto: With pleasure.  Maestro…

Miss Maplethorpe and Miss Toronto disappear

Art  gives a flourish on her keyboard

Special show appearance, Miss Toronto/ doll wearing glitter around her neck

The Cannon Song

Johnny was around then and Jimmy was there

And Georgie was up for promotion

Not that the army gave a bugger what they were

When confronting some heathen commotion

The troops live under

The cannon’s thunder

From cork to cooch behar

Moving from place to place

When they come face to face

With a different breed of fellow

Whose skins are black or yellow

They quick as winking chop them into beefsteak tartare

The troops live under

The cannon’s thunder

Musician: (interrupts) No you cannot sing this.

Musician: … it’s German!

TECH SOUND Explosion

Miss Toronto gives birth

melodramatic waving good-bye to imagenary husband going to war, throws baby away, musician picks up baby, puts it on keyboard/facing the audience

TECH image “Kindergarten”

5. 1930s_Ammunition factory_worker’s poetry and war propaganda film


TECH image Rosi the Riveter We Can Do it/ during the poem

TECH factory sound 1

1930s Munition Wages (war propaganda film)

originally by Madeline Ida Bedford

Earning high wages?
Yup, five bucks a week.
A woman, too, mind you,
I call it dang sweet.

I’m having life’s good times.
See here, it’s like this:
You can’t plan ahead,
It’s touch-and-go bizz.

We’re all here today, girls,
Tomorrow — perhaps dead,
If Fate tumbles on us
And blows up our shed.

Afraid! Are you kidding?
With money to spend!
Years back I wore tatters,
Now — silk stockings, my friend!

I drive out in taxis,
Do theatres in style.
And this is my verdict —
It is jolly worth while.

Worth while, for tomorrow
If I’m blown to the sky,
I’ll have repaid my wages
In death — and pass by.

AV factory propaganda film, factory sound 2

Movement based musical accompinement

TECH image Kindergarten sign off

TECH static TV image Test card

TECH News headlines

Newsflash/ Art

This is an important newsflash.  I am Matthew Halton of WASP Radio.  This just in. 9:36 PM Eastern Daylight time May 7 1945.  Germany has surrendered unconditionally.  Life can begin again.  Our Canadian Servicemen are coming home to their families.

MUSIC God save the queen (while Eve is changing on stage)

6. 1950s_Sandwich surprise_television cooking show

6.a cooking show

TECH applause audio

Miss Toronto:

Thank you, thank you, thank you, really, thank you ever so—(applause track cuts out)

What you just saw was a clip of my mother, Miss Frances, who started this cooking show, Ding Dong School.  Now some of you might remember my mother for when she placed third in the Miss Toronto pageant back in the 1920s.  I not only followed my mother’s footsteps, but indeed surpassed them when I won first place of Miss Toronto in 1952. (applause audio)  And to pay tribute to her, on the very show that she started, today I am going to share with you one of her best recipes—with a hint of first place flair, of course!

In today’s busy times, our husbands aren’t always able to come home for lunch, so we need to find ways to make nutritious, delicious meals that are portable enough to carry to work.  So today we are going to make my personal favourite, Sandwich Surprise!

First, we need to wash our hands, of course.  My mother was very strict with personal hygiene, especially when cooking.  When your goal is to make the most delicious meal your husband has ever eaten, you don’t want any dirt or grime getting in the way of the natural flavours of the dish.  So while I prepare myself, we’re going to share with you a new, revolutionary technology for cleanliness.

Back to our Sandwich Surprise!  To make Sandwich Surprise, you will need:  Smart bread, peanut butter, banana and whatever vegetables you enjoy.  I prefer cucumber, carrots, and occasionally lettuce, which I’ll use today.

First, we take two slices of Smart bread and lay them down on the table.  Then, we take our peanut butter and spread it on one slice of bread.  (MUSIC) Try to get the peanut butter all over the bread, completely covered, smothered right to the edges.  There shouldn’t be one little patch of dryness left.

Next, our vegetables.  Here I’ve laid out some cucumbers to show you what a range of varieties you can find.  This is a small one, you can hold it in one hand, and so it’s easy to manipulate.  I usually have these ones for snacks, since I can pretty much put the whole thing in my mouth at once.  And here we have a standard cucumber.  This is what you normally imagine when you think of a cucumber.  There’s nothing very particular about it, it’s a bit of an average joe and is good for most situations.  And this, this is an English cucumber.  As you can see, it’s very long, about twice the size of the average joe, but it’s also more slender.  It has nice, uniform ridges on the skin, and one end tapers down to a little head.  The English cucumber is prized for its flavour, which I can attest to.  Yes, I think today we’ll use this one.  (chop up cucumber) ….plastic and all

The same difference in sizes applies to carrots.  Baby carrots are a little too sweet, I prefer them more mature, so to speak.  But I often give my children baby carrots so that they develop a taste for the bigger ones later.  (give baby carrots to baby)  You can use your teeth to gently scrape up and down the carrot which removes some of the outer layer and reveals the juice inside. Watch!  If you enjoy this process, you can keep going until the carrot is shredded into little slivers (spits out little slivers onto sandwich) We’ll save the rest for later (stuff down shirt)

And now the lettuce.  I think lettuce is beautiful, truly a work of art.  The way the leaves are arranged in folds around the middle, and when you pull back the leaves, which seem never ending, you finally find a little hard cluster in the middle. (baby starts crying)

What’s that, my dears?  Yes, you’re being very patient.  I know sometimes mommy neglects you when she’s having fun by herself.  I like to get my children interested in food at an early age, I find it really stimulates their curiosity.  And children love to play with food!  Don’t you?  okay, what shall we play with today?  The lettuce?  Yes, the beautiful lettuce.  And who does the lettuce want to play with?  The carrot?  Okay.

Lettuce:  “why hello there, mr. carrot!  Do you feel like playing today?”

Banana:  “Oh yes!  I always feel like playing!  Especially with you!”

Lettuce:  “Well, come into my secret playing place, then!”

Banana:  “Hang on, I’m coming in!  Here I come!  Oh dear, I can’t fit all the way in!”

Lettuce:  “Well, keep trying, maybe you just need to push harder”

Banana:  “I’m coming, I’m coming.  Hang on.  Maybe if I try another angle..”

Lettuce:  “Oh, Mr. Carrot, you’re almost there.”

Banana:  (moaning and groaning)

Lettuce:  “yes, yes!  That’s it!  Right there!”

We’re going to take the banana in our hands, gently, and begin to squeeze.  That’s it, squeeze the banana until it’s a nice gooey yellow cream that just trickles through your fingers.  Let it run onto the sandwich… mmm…. perfect.)

Now it looks like we have a pretty delicious sandwich here!  But there’s still the surprise part… arsenic.  You don’t need too much, just a little dash or sprinkle will do.  (puts a lot, music)  what a nice surprise this will be..  now we just need to wrap up our sandwich.  My sandwich surprise is quite hefty, so we’ll need strong foil wrap to hold it all together.  Just place it on the foil and wrap.  Voila!  The perfect lunch for my husband!  (baby is crying)  what’s that my dear?  Yes, it does smell delicious, but this one is just for daddy.  No, you can’t have any.  No.  don’t you want some ice cream instead?  No, this is daddy’s sandwich.  Listen, you can’t have this sandwich, mommy will make you another one.  (wrap him in foil too)

So today we learned a great dish which will help you to take care of your man!  And once you’ve done that, you’re free to become a woman of the world, like me!  Thanks for tuning in, and good luck in your new careers!

6.b career girl

(Text AV clip, girl on screen  lip synced by performer in fron of screen)

Male voice over: Today on the American press and on the radio the American career girl married or single is a favorite subject for discussion. One radio program which has explored the subject is “What makes you tick?”, resided over by moderator John McCathry with the aid of two psychologist Liam Arons and Sidney Russel.

Moderator: Alright, Miss Bates, we’d like to find out how determent a carreer girl you are. Now, would you please enter these questions? And here is your first question: How confident are you in business dealings with your superiors?

Career girl: Oh, pretty confident, I think.

Moderator: And now, do you ever feel telling-off the xxx?

Career girl: Ahaha I certainly do.

Moderator: Well, do you ever do it?

Career girl: Well, uh, not very often.

Moderator: How capable do you feel yourself of handling any given business emergency?

Career girl: I think I’d be able to manage most any emergency.

Moderator: Then you consider yourself a pretty efficient executive?

Career girl: Yes, I think so.

Moderator: Why, Miss Bates?

Career girl: Well, I suppose it’s because I feel I can make decisions fairly easily and uh well make them for others and tell them what to do.  I’ve been doing that you know for almost a year now, in a small way.

Moderator: Do you feel that some girls have to much talent and ability to waste on a home and children?

Career girl: Yes, I think many girls do.  Some girls have a great deal to offer and they certainly don’t make any contribution to the business world, sitting home with their children or cooking dinner for their husband.

Moderator: Go on, Miss Bates.

Career girl: Well, many talented girls deserve a better life than that.  They need that feeling of independence, of competition that they don’t get at home.  And they deserve the luxuries that they can buy with the money they earn.

Moderator: Would you give up your carreer if the right man proposed?

Career girl: No, I wouldn’t.  My career means too much to me.

Moderator: Not even if your dream prince charming were the man?

Career girl: Haha I haven’t met him.  I don’t think I’d give up my career even so.

Moderator: Do you ever read love stories, Miss Bates?

Career girl: Well, occasionally.

Moderator: Do you ever picture yourself in a situation the heroine finds herself in?

Career girl: Yes, I do sometimes.

Moderator: Then you have thought of yourself in the character of a wife?

Career girl: Yes, I have.  But in a very detached sort of way, never really seriously of course.

Moderator: Dou you believe you realized your career ambitions within the next five years?

Career girl: Yes, I do.

Moderator: Thank you, Miss Bates. Now we’ll find out of how determined a career girl our judges rate you. Dr. Raslow?

Judge 1: With 100 as the maximum possible rating we rate Miss Bates with 62. She says she would not give up her career for marriage yet she has a definite yearning for romance:

Judge 2: Miss Bates determination to continue with her career obviously has not yet been severely tested.

Career girl freezes

TECH audio longer applause

7. 1960s_Feminist revolution:  Burn it! Drown it! Feed it!_slide show and manifesto

–       carry applause audio from previous scene

–       Art/host sets Eve up as Doll on turning table (wig, tin foil crown, smile, Spok hands)

Male beauty pageant host: Welcome back  to Miss Toronto 1964! (applause) We are down to our last three hundred finalists. Here is our next contestant Carol Goss. Tell us a little bit about yourself, Carol.

Carol: I was born right here in Toronto on Nov. 16, 1945.

Host: So that makes you a scorpio.

Carol: Actually, it makes me a scorpia.

Host: Well then, ScorpiA, why do you want to become Miss Toronto?

Carol: Well, Miss Toronto is selected based on the finest qualities of women as dictated by an all male jury of experts. It would be such an honor to be selected as the epitomy of beauty as judged by both the swim suit and evening gown parade.

Host: Indeed, it would be.

Carol: And also, the cash prize at the end will fund my future education as an English major at Victoria college at the University of Toronto from 1964-1969.

Host: Indeed….

Carol: And also, this will then allow me to host my own TV show and become a pioneer in Canadian television broadcasting.

(musical breakdown starts, from beauty pageant music to Joan Baez)

Host: Yes, yes, very nice, but…

Carol: And also, I will spend decades revolutionizing women’s role in Canadian television…

Host (grasps for words)

Carol: And in 2001 I will become chair of the CBC and …

Host (scared to death)

Carol: …and then I will enter the political arena. Between 2005 and 2008 I will be minister of Finance for ALL OF CANADA, well, BC.

Host (speechless)

(Carol, gets rid of tin foil crown, puts on bandana)

Carol: And after that I will run for mayor in Vancouver, and even though I will loose it won’t matter because during this time I will have gotten married and taken the name CAROL TAYLOR!!!!!!!

(Carol gagging the host, kicks him off stage)

Carol: Feminist revolutionaries of the world Unite! – It’s time to change our mind-set! We’ve got to Turn ON our consciousness to what is going on around us and who really is in control, Tune IN to interact harmoniously with the world around us, and Drop OUT of our dependencies on the patriarchy to be committed to mobility, choice and change.

SLIDES Hippie at Lake Ontario (Bra burning, drowning, burying, pitbulling…)

(piano music “La Marseillaise”)

Feminist Manifesto:

1)  We will fight with all our might the senseless, mindless oppression of the past.

2)  We violently reject that spineless worshipping of old contraptions of beauty, braziers, against everything which ties us down to the man.

3)  We violently reject the insidious Patriarchy.

4)  We violently reject the feeling that woman’s sexual functions are impure.  Sex is not evil.

5)  We violently reject the whole education of women from infancy that teaches Women to please Men, to be useful to them, (musicChildren of the revolution song starts”) to make themselves loved and honored by them, to educate them when young, to care for them when grown, to counsel them, to make life sweet and agreeable to them.

6)  This is our mission, this is our fight!

8. 1970s_The revolution is over (we won)_infomercial and happening

TECH AV Yoko Ono’s “Cutting piece” reference to past 1960s

(music “You’ve come a long way baby” from slim cigarette ad)

Miss Toronto/ Seller:

In 1927, Mrs. Pamela Benjamin was caught using Liberty Foil in the gazebo.  She got a severe scolding and no supper that night.  In 1942, Mrs. Cynthia Robinson was caught using Liberty Foil in the cellar behind the preserves.  Although she was 45, her husband sent her straight to her room.  Then in 1969, both the Pill and Liberation Foil were finally legalized.

(Art sing 1st line) You’ve come a long way baby…

Like Miss Toronto, you’ve come a long way baby.   You don’t have time to cook dinner and take care of the kids, all while getting liberated.

Bring the kitchen to the party with Koko Yono’s Liberty Foil!

(2nd line) To get where you got today…

This is not just any aluminum foil.  Sure it’s good for wrapping sandwiches and making crowns, but it’s also the key ingredient for a hilarious Miss Toronto party game, a cutting-edge performance art piece and an impactful liberation statement, all in a convenient portable box.  But wait – there’s more – your kids can join in the fun, too.  Koko Yono’s Liberty Foil brings families together in the true spirit of freedom.

(3rd line) You got your own metal foil, baby.

At your next Miss Toronto party, simply tear off a piece of Koko Yono’s Liberty Foil and wrap up your – or someone else’s – smallest child.  It’s quilted so the child will be comfortable and won’t be able to punch a hole and escape before you’re ready.  Made by Germans – they always make good stuff.  Pass the Miss Toronto child around the circle and release the spirit of liberation by inviting everyone to cut off a small piece of Koko Yono’s Liberty Foil.  Free your children while freeing your guests from boring social gatherings.  Life’s too short to be boring! You’re gonna have an exciting Miss Toronto life now.

(4th line) You’ve come a long way, Baby.

And that’s not all! Koko Yono’s Liberty Foil also comes in larger packages to help you to discover liberation during more intimate occasions with your spouse or partner. Soon you’ll be wrapping, entrapping, scrapping your troubles away.  Liberation has never been this easy.

(Stop music)

Call now to receive this amazing offer for only $9.99!  That’s right, $99.99!  And today only, if you call within the next 10 seconds, we’ll throw in a complimentary pair of Koko Yono’s Liberty Scissors.  If you call within the next 5 seconds, we’ll even throw in Miss Toronto’s baby absolutely free!  Hurry, don’t miss this limited time offer – buy now and liberate yourself!

(Full song)

Look how easy it is – watch as our live studio audience liberates themselves now!  These are regular folks just like you, not actors.

You sir/madam – give it a try, see how simple it can be etc…

(Audience interaction)

(baby crying.  Miss Toronto  takes out condom)

Miss Toronto/ Seller: This situation could have been prevented.

(Puts condom over baby’s head, baby stops crying)

Miss Toronto/ Seller: And that’s how easy it is everybody!

9. 1980s_Queer, Queer, Queer, High school sex ed_vogueing music video

put baby down, get mic

projection breakfast club/ quotational music “Don’t you forget about me”

breakfast club image (library)

Butch Queen Bee: Thanks Mrs. Walker for inviting us to be part of sexual education day.  My name is Mistress M and I was Butch Queen Bee 1983.  My friend here, Art, (he comes on stage) just won Miss Gay Toronto 1988.  Let’s have a big round of applause for him!

We’ve collected your questions about sex and put them in this box[1], so it’s totally anonymous, but in the spirit of openness, we’re going to ask people to read them out loud so everyone can hear.  Art will pass the questions around and ask you to read them nice and clearly into the microphone. (audience interaction)

Question 1

I am a 17-year-old female. My boyfriend is also 17. He recently confided in me that he wanted to wear my panties and a dress while I wore his boxers and fucked him in the ass with a dildo. I helped pick out a dress I thought would look sweet on him, and we had a wonderful time.  Does this mean my boyfriend is gay or gross or that I am gross for liking the idea?

Butch Queen Bee: No, this doesn’t mean your boyfriend is gay and neither of you are gross.  I’m glad you had a wonderful time.  Remember, every time a straight girl sticks something up a straight boy’s ass, a bigoted political representative dies a little inside.

Question 2

I’m gay. My ex wants me to replace his mattress because I ejaculated on it. Apparently, there was an “unbearable” smell that came about recently due to the heat and humidity.

I am not sure that this “stench” is entirely or at all mine. My ex has a cat that peed on items of furniture in the past. Can he be sure that the smell is not from the cat? I have been ejaculating for years now and have never had a problem with smell. In fact, my ex caused me to ejaculate countless times and he seemed to enjoy every second of it.

Should I pay for the replacement mattress?

Butch Queen Bee: No.  When someone invites a person into his bed, he should be aware that sexual activity frequently leads to stained sheets and pillowcases, soaked and/or stained mattresses, and, every once in a great while, completely and thoroughly and utterly destroyed bed frames. A person who is unwilling to eat those losses should be careful to fuck on the floor, fuck outside or fuck at his partner’s place.

Question 3

As a girl, how much should I tell a guy about my sexual history?

Butch Queen Bee: Well this is a bit of a tricky subject because I advocate honesty and open communication in all your sexual relations.  But when it comes to men and their egos, unfortunately, lie through your teeth ladies.  Quite frankly most men’s egos cannot cope with the fact that you may have had more partners than they’ve had.  Find out how many partners they’ve had.  Then know they’re exaggerating by two times, maybe three times as much, so you want to minimize yours by at least 3 to 4 times.  That’s a good ratio to go by.  I’ve actually come across someone who stopped someone mid-head job because it was too good, asked the lady where she learnt that, with the insinuation that only a prostitute would give head like that.  Obviously he would know because that’s the only place he’d ever got head like that before.  Minimize your experience, minimize your understanding if the guy’s a tool.  But then again, occasionally you’ll come across a decent guy who doesn’t have any issues and can cope with who you really are.  So it’s up to you ladies, if it’s a one-night stand lie through your teeth, if you want to have a relationship with someone be honest.  Either way, enjoy.

Question 4

I am a lesbian.  How can I minimize my risk of getting AIDS?

Butch Queen Bee: A lesbian safe sex kit includes a dental dam, a plastic glove, and a condom.  The reason for this being that lesbians practicing oral sex should use the dental dam, when using sex toys they should be using the condom on it, and the glove as well for when you’re actually fingering your partner.  Now the reality is though, on the whole, lesbians tend not to have so many problems with sexually transmitted diseases.  As far as AIDS goes, AIDS is transferred more frequently when there are lesions or extreme exchange of bodily fluids.  With lesbians, they tend not to exchange quite as many and there tend not to be as many tears, if they’re careful with each other and keep their fingernails nice and short.  Look, my favorite thing is there was once a lesbian speaker at a conference and she was talking about the fact that the catholic church was saying that AIDS was god’s retribution on homosexuals because it’s prevalent in that community, and in communities where people are promiscuous so they were saying it’s god’s curse on the bad people.  Since the rate of AIDS within the lesbian community is pretty much non-existent, obviously lesbians are god’s chosen people. – And one last question….

Question 5

How do I get sex?

Butch Queen Bee: Excellent question!  There are many ways to find a suitable sexual partner, but probably the easiest and most fun way is going to a ball. – At a ball, you have a chance to display your elegance, your seductiveness, your beauty, your wit, your charm, your knowledge.

Miss Gay Toronto: You can become anything and do anything, right here, right now.

Butch Queen Bee: Vogueing is an attitude, a style …

Miss Gay Toronto: …it’s institutionalized showing off

Butch Queen Bee:…but not without its entertainment value. –  It’s a very spectacular very important art form,

Miss Gay Toronto: very important.

Butch Queen Bee: It’s just so theatrical, and the energy is just so terrific.

Miss Gay Toronto: It’s like a war on the floor.

Butch Queen Bee: Vogueing is like taking two knives and cutting each other up, but through a dance form.

Miss Gay Toronto: Instead of fighting, you dance it out on the dance floor.

Butch Queen Bee: The goal is to be legendary!

Competion starts, go to fighting positions

Miss Gay Toronto/ Butch Queen Bee: I came I saw I conquered. (put down mics, start dance competition)

(Vogue dance-off. Butch Queen Bee gets injured, goes offstage, is probably dead… Miss Gay Toronto follows)

10. 1991_Announcement of the Toronto police_eulogy for the living

TECH mic stand and podium

Police man:

I stand before you today the representative of a city in grief, in a country in mourning before a world in shock.


Since 1937, the Miss Toronto competition was conducted in conjunction with the Toronto Police Amateur Athletic Association’s annual Police Games.  It awarded scholarships to the victors and donated proceeds from the contest to the Toronto Police Widows & Orphans Fund.  In spite of this, over the last little while, pressure from outside sources has been growing.  Many of us didn’t believe this pressure would prove fatal.  We were wrong.  It is my regret to announce today that the Miss Toronto competition is with us no longer.  The competition was 65 years old.

Madmoiselle Toronto est morte!

We are all united not only in our desire to pay our respects to Miss Toronto but rather in our need to do so. For such was her extraordinary appeal that the tens of millions of people listening to this announcement all over the world on television and on the radio who never actually met her, feel that they too lost someone close to them.

Nous somme tres tristes.

Miss Toronto was the very essence of compassion, of duty, of style, of beauty.

Elle a ete jolie.

Miss Toronto was a mother, a sister, and a friend to all of us. I’m sure each and every one of you here today has something to share on how Miss Toronto touched your life. I don’t know if I can still be the same person I was now that she’s gone.

C’est dommage!

Today is our chance to say thank you for the way Miss Toronto brightened our lives.  Only now that Miss Toronto is gone do we truly appreciate what we are now without, and life without her is going to be very very difficult.

… très très difficile.

But this is not the time for us to grieve her death, but to celebrate her life.  We should all be thankful that we were given the chance to know Miss Toronto.

Miss Toronto will be missed but I know that in the right time, I will see Miss Toronto again.  We will all see Miss Toronto again.

Because Miss Toronto was a perfect ten, we’ll have 10 minutes of silence.

Dix minute!

11. 2010_Street-naming project “Miss Toronto Promenade”_civil disobedience

11.a Ghost Speech

(Ghost of Miss Toronto appears)

Ghost: I am the ghost of Miss Toronto past.  It is 2010, 19 years since my death.  And what have you done to honour me?  Nothing!  There is not even a Wikipedia article about me!  I need a gesture, a sign of your love and gratitude.  Nothing too big, but maybe you could name something after me.  Yes, name something—a street—in recognition of me.  You must write a letter to W. Kowalenko, whose gender I do not know, who is in charge of city survey and mapping, and say this:

Dear W. Kowalenko;

The names of many Toronto streets are a rich record of the city’s history which, however, disproportionately focuses on the significance of male public figures. I would therefore like to propose naming an alley in Parkdale – north of Queen Street West, running East/West between Lansdowne Avenue and Roncesvalles Avenue – to Miss Toronto Promenade. By doing so, we will honour and recover the contributions of all Toronto’s women – both past and present – in order to be written into the female-shaped voids of the monolithic, patriarchal, and exclusionary construction of our street-naming history. Miss Toronto will act as a trace for the Parkdale neighbourhood to the halcyon past of the Sunnyside amusement park and its beauty competitions that marked a breakthrough for many of our working class women into the public sphere.

Yours sincerely,

The Ditchwitch Brigade

Please gather signatures for a petition to present to W. Kowalenko.

Do this in memory of me.

11.b Miss Toronto Promenade, powerpoint presentation/ petition

Eve explains street naming project

Eve explains magic triangle Eve’s house/Sunnyside pavilion/ Rhino/ Theatre Centre

Eve explains three functions of the Miss Toronto Promenade

–       public path of meditation (6 images)

–       public art gallery (6 images)

–       public theatre (2 images, 2nd one including Susan Boyle as a Brechtian audience troll)

Miss Toronto goes back to her dressing room, transforms into Eve

Art follows, provides petitions for audience

TECH image Miss Toronto promenade


[1] One of the shakers with numbered questions in it.